Lights Will Guide You Home
by Dee1431
Summary: After years of being away from Newport Beach, what happens when Marissa returns home for the death of her father? Will the loves she left behind still be there or will they have found others to live for?
1. There's No Place Like Home

Hey guys! This is a new story I kinda just thought of doing and wrote it up. It's not going to be too long, but I'm not positive on the number of posts. This story takes place when they are all twenty four years old. As for Julia marrying Mr. Roberts, that didn't happen, Marissa dieing also didn't happen. Ryan and Marissa went to Berkeley together, Seth and Summer went to Brown together. Kirsten did not get pregnant and the earthquake did not happen either. Caitlin did not come back during season three at all. Ryan and Marissa did break up during season three but they got together back in college. If there are any other confusions for the story, please let me know. 

She hadn't been home in a long time…

Two years to be exact. She had been living in Boston, working for a fashion magazine by the name of _Fervor Magazine_. She had left immediately after graduating from Berkeley with her English Degree, realizing that she no longer had any relationship ties in California to keep her there.

For three years, she had been Ryan's girlfriend; they experienced their ups and downs, fights and makeup's, just about everything. But during senior year, their love for each other seemed to fade and all they could do was wonder who else was out for them. They mutually decided to end their relationship and started seeing other people. This event ultimately led her to moving to Boston after their graduation from college.

It wasn't easy for her, she realized, being apart from the person she loved more than life itself but it was something they felt they needed. But even with all the apparent reasons for why it was beneficial for them to break up, she could only focus on the reasons for it wasn't beneficial for them. She would never tell anyone, even Summer, how she would cry mostly every night during her first few months after the breakup. It felt as if someone had taken a part of herself and it could not be given back.

It was especially hard when she moved to Boston, the poignant awareness of not having Ryan or any of her family anywhere near her finally breaking through. But she stuck through it and survived, seeing that she was stronger than she gave herself credit for.

She hadn't talked to Ryan much since she had moved. It was maybe four or five times all together, for birthdays or just to see each other was. Other than that they hadn't seen each other in two years. She hadn't gone home on holidays because she went to St. Bart's with her coworkers every vacation and for reason, she felt it was too hard to go back to the place they once were all so happy together.

But here she was now, going home for her dad's funeral. It wasn't something she was expecting and it had felt like a stab to the stomach when her mom told her a day before. He had retained serious brain injuries after falling down a fight of stairs. He had been bleeding in the brain and nothing could have been done in surgery, so in one short night, Jimmy Cooper, father and husband passed away.

Unfortunately for her, she had not seen her father much after senior year of high school. After he had left the second time, he didn't return to Newport until she had gone to Boston and there he had rekindled his relationship with Julie, eloping with her after a year of being back. So as she sat in the plane on her way home, all she could wonder was what she missed out on while she was in Boston. Who had her father come home as? Was he the same kind and caring man he had been before he left? Unfortunately for those questions, she would not have any answers.

She had just started descending into Orange County Airport and all she could think about how it would be to see everyone after two long years. She knew Summer and her mother would be the same because she kept in touch with them anyways, but how would the Cohen's be? Most importantly, how would Ryan be?

As soon as the plane landed, she grabbed her luggage and exited as quickly as possible. For some reason, planes still managed to terrify her. She worked her way to the main exit, hoping to see someone for her. And in a sea of blonde hair, she could see red. She saw her mom's beautiful face coming towards her, except that beautiful face was stained with pain, as hard as she tried to hide it and her eyes were laced with red from crying so much.

Marissa smiled and dropped her bags to hug her mother tightly, "I've missed you" Marissa mumbled as she hugged her mom. Julie pulled away and kissed Marissa's forehead, "I've missed you too…I am so glad that you're here with me" Julie said quietly. Marissa just smiled as she continued to hold onto the woman that for many years made her life a living hell, but for the past few years, made it only so much better, "me too mom." Marissa grabbed her bags as they turned to Julie's Mercedes Mini SUV and started their journey back home.

"So when is Caitey coming home?" Marissa asked quietly, Julie turned her sunglass covered eyes to her for a second as they reached the highway, "she'll be in tomorrow morning… it's the only flight they have to Orange County Airport from Tokyo" Julie said. Marissa nodded her head, "how's her music company doing by the way?" Marissa asked. "Very well… she has contracts with some very famous artists and is quite successful." Marissa smiled, happy to hear her younger sister was doing well, "I'm glad to hear that" Marissa said. Julie nodded with a small smile, "yeah it is great news… after she dropped out of USC, I was afraid she wouldn't do anything but she found something she loved and has worked very hard…it was a relief."

Marissa glanced out the car window at the beautiful Orange County scenery that was once customary to see every day, realizing how gorgeous California really was after being away for so long. "Happy to be home?" Julie asked, taking her out of her thoughts, Marissa turned to her with a small smile, "Boston is great… and I love it… but it's not California, so yeah… it's nice to be home… even for these horrible circumstances" she stated with a quiver of her lip as she turned back to the window, fighting back her oncoming tears.

They pulled into a familiar driveway, and Marissa, almost afraid to look at the house itself, knew where she was, her old house. Marissa felt her jaw drop, "mom… what are we…?" she trailed off in surprise. "Well sweetheart, I told you that your father and I bought a house together" she said, "yeah I remember… but you did not tell me that it was our old house" Marissa said, still in shock. Julie just smiled and opened her door, going around to the back to grab one of Marissa's bags. Marissa slowly got out of the car, grabbing her other bag and stopping to just stare at the house she spent so much time in as a child. It had been repainted the same colors but still looked beautiful.

Marissa stepped inside to see many new changes, such as a new kitchen, new living room, and all brand new bedrooms, two of the three that remained guest rooms. She stepped into her old bedroom and placed her bags down, feeling sudden exhaustion sweep over her body. Julie stepped into the room as she sat down on the bed, "hey sweetie, I'm just gonna head down to the Church with Kirsten and then to the caterers to make sure everything is all set up for tomorrow" she said softly. Marissa just nodded her head; Julie smiled sadly and left the room, leaving Marissa alone.

Marissa stood up and made her way to her old balcony, opening the doors slowly, and feeling a flashback of all the times she had opened these doors to peer out at the beach and see the weather. She looked at the beautiful beach, seeing the same constant crash of the waves on the shore and feeling all the comfort of watching them. She turned and looked over at the Cohen's backyard, seeing Sandy sitting on the patio, reading the paper. She smiled softly, feeling good to be home.

Marissa crept back into her bed, wrapping herself with the comforter, hoping to get some much needed sleep. As she dazed off into dreamland, her cell phone abruptly took her from dreamland. She slowly grabbed her ringing cell phone from off the night stand, opening it quickly and putting it up to her ear. "Hello?" she asked tiredly, hoping to get off this call soon, "Coop?" she heard and sat up in her bed. "Hey Sum…what's up?" she asked as she ran a hand through her long blond hair. "Nothing much…are you home?" Summer asked excitedly.

Marissa smiled, "yeah…I'm in my old bedroom as we speak" Marissa answered. "Oh that's great Coop… I was wondering if you'd like to go get some lunch with me later?" Summer asked. "Yeah that sounds good… it's eleven now… can we go around two? I just really want to take a nap first" Marissa said quietly, "of course… I'll come pick you up at two, bye Coop" Summer said and hung up. Marissa down her phone and fell back into the comfortable bedding, falling asleep almost instantly.

A few hours later, Marissa and Summer sat at the outdoor café eating their lunches and catching up. "How's Seth?" Marissa asked, Summer smiled and took a sip of her Manhattan. "He's good... he just moved into my apartment… we're trying to take it slowly… I mean when we broke up sophomore year, I didn't think we would get back together, but now we are and we just really want to take care of the relationship." Marissa just nodded with a smile, a sad smile Summer noticed and placed her hand on top of Marissa's.

"He still asks about you sometimes" Summer said quietly. Marissa just looked away to the ocean that was in the distance. Things stay quiet for a couple minutes, Marissa trying to gather her thoughts, "Is he happy?" Marissa asked. Summer contemplated the question, "yeah I think he is… he has a girlfriend now…" Summer trailed off, hoping to drop the bomb quietly. Marissa slowly turned back to her, "he does? Who is she?" she asked curiously. "Her name is Kiley, Kiley Emerson… she lives in Laguna Beach, she's a year younger than us… and graduated from Stanford. She's in Med school now to become a doctor" Summer said quietly. Marissa just nodded and picked up her cosmopolitan, "that's good…I'm glad that he's happy" and took a long sip, the waitress came over. "Can I get you two anything else?" the waitress asked politely, "yeah…can you just keep the drinks coming…and make sure they make my cosmopolitans very strong" Marissa said and Summer just laughed.

The waitress retreated back inside and Marissa turned back to Summer for her to continue, "she's really nice… and it's annoying, I won't lie." Marissa laughed, "Why is that annoying?" Marissa asked as she ate the cherry out of her cosmopolitan, "because Coop…you're the only I want to see him with and I can't hate her because she's so nice all the time" Summer said. "That was a long time ago... we've both moved on and it's just… not what it used to be" Marissa said almost inaudibly. Summer just nodded and finished off her Manhattan as a new one arrived, "I know I've already asked…but are you sure that you're okay?" Summer asked, almost gently. Marissa took a sip from her cosmopolitan, "I'm doing okay…considering…" Marissa said absently.

Marissa turned to the inside of the Café and for a second, thought she saw someone familiar, she stared at the face, wondering if that was really him or if her eyes were just deceiving her. Summer turned to look at what Marissa was staring at, "that's Ryan…and Kiley" Summer said quietly and Marissa turned quickly to the waitress, "hi can we have the check as quickly as possible" Marissa requested. Marissa gulped down her cosmopolitan and took out her wallet. She turned once again look at the couple, the way he smiled at her, and the way he laughed. It was all too close for comfort, and staring at him, was too hard. He looked better than she remembered, more toned if she could say so herself, and he had a deep tan, he looked too good actually.

She found herself looking at the girl across from him with the chestnut brown hair, in perfect curls down her back. From this angle, she seemed perfect, and for a second, the thought of him being with someone like that depressed her. The check came and Marissa quickly paid for lunch and got up before Summer could object. They avoided Ryan's table at any cost and left the café, going into Summer's car.

"What the hell was that?" Summer asked Marissa. Marissa just sighed deeply and ran a hand over her face. "What happened to "that was a long time ago Summer, we've both moved on" Summer mocked as she drove. "Just because I said I've moved on does not mean that I wanted to see him yet… I just was surprised" Marissa said quietly. Summer laughed, "surprised… more like terrified beyond belief." Marissa just took a deep breath and leaned back against the seat, shocked at how much harder it was to see Ryan than she thought it'd be.

"So are you coming sweetie?" she heard her mother ask her that night as she leaned into her bedroom. "Coming where?" Marissa asked confusingly, looking up from lying down on her bed. "To the Cohen's for dinner….I thought I told you about that" Julie said. Marissa sat up, "oh right you did… I want to but just with…" Marissa said, not finding the right words to say, "Ryan being there?" Julie guessed. Marissa looked up at her mom's warm face, "its okay… I understand, I'll see you later sweetie" she said as she kissed Marissa on the forehead with a smile and left the room.

Marissa changed into her pajamas and went to the kitchen to grab some ice cream. She grabbed one of her mom's DVD's and went into her room, but was more compelled to look at the neighbors at that moment. She went onto her balcony and peered over to next door, seeing the backyard all set up for the dinner. She saw the whole family sitting there, and one empty seat, a seat meant for her, a seat that would not be filled. She watched as her mom talked to everyone, everyone giving hugs to her in comfort. And all she could feel was anticipation to see all those people tomorrow.

At The Party

"How is she doing?" Kirsten asked as she got some food ready for the dinner, Julie, sipping her water absently just shook her head. "I don't know Kirsten… she won't let me really know, all she's doing is asking how I am…I'm her mother, I'm supposed to take care of her" Julie said sadly. Kirsten placed her hand on Julies, "you are being her mother… and the fact that she loves you so much that she's only concerned about you is very inspiring to see in a daughter" Kirsten said with a warm smile. Julie nodded her head and smiled gratefully, she stood up and made her way outside to the guests with Kirsten where everyone said hello and gave their hugs of concern.

Julie smiled kindly when she reached Ryan, "hello Ryan, how are you?" she asked. "I'm good… better question, how you are?" Ryan said nicely. "As well as expected… I'm more concerned for Marissa at this point" Julie said. Julie could see his attention spark at this point, "she's not coming tonight is she?" Ryan asked and Julie shaking her head. "She wasn't feeling well and really wasn't in the mood to talk to people… she's at the house" Julie said quietly and Ryan nodded. "When you go home, just tell her I wish she would have came, I wanted to see her" Ryan said quietly and Julie smiled. "I will Ryan."

Ryan retreated over to the bar as Summer made her way up to her, "Hey Mrs. Cooper" Summer said and gave Julie a hug. "Hi sweetheart" Julie said with a small smile. "She didn't come huh?" Summer asked, the disappointment laced throughout her voice. "It's hard for her… you know to see him" Julie said quietly as they turned their attention to a smiling Ryan as he talked to Seth at the bar. "Yeah… it is… I remember when they broke up during senior year, for the next two months after that, I would call her every night and I knew she was crying but she never told me… she just didn't want to seem sad about it." Julie just nodded her head sadly, "and now with him being so happy with Kiley, it's just hard" Summer said.

Julie looked over to the house next door, seeing the light from the balcony door windows. "She'll be okay… Marissa always knows how to make things better, especially now, she's responsible and mature… she'll be just fine" Julie said adamantly. Summer smiled as she looked at Julie, "yeah she will be" Summer said, "just like you, you'll be just fine" Summer as she hugged Mrs. Cooper one last time and stepped over to the bar with the guys. But as soon as Summer was standing over with Ryan and Seth, she knew that the three of them could never be the foursome they once were, even with Kiley there, it would never be the same.


	2. Goodbye To Everything I Thought I Knew

She woke up to the bright sun straying upon her closed eyes; she squinted and turned over, hoping to fall back asleep. Unfortunately, with her sleep cycle still on East Coast time, she knew she wouldn't be falling back asleep any time soon. She glanced at her phone, seeing that it was only eight. She stood slowly from her bed and went into the bathroom to take a shower and brush her teeth.

The hot water covered her body and she felt like she was cleansed of all the excess baggage she had been carrying lately. She let the vanilla body wash rinse away all her problems away, even if it was only for a few minutes. She shaved her legs quickly and stepped out of the shower. She dried off and pulled on her black dress for the mass and sat down on the bed. Although she knew that this was what she was coming to Newport for, she still couldn't believe it was almost time… to say goodbye.

Her mother stepped into the bedroom and was surprised to see her already awake. "Morning sweetie…your sisters on her way here, and the car will be here to pick us up in about an hour… the mass starts at ten" Julie said, blinking to dry her oncoming tears as she talked about the mass. "Okay mom… thanks" she said with a smile and Julie just nodded her head and left the room to go and get ready. Marissa glanced at the time and saw that it was already forty passed eight. Marissa got off the bed and dried her hair, allowing the natural curls to flow down her back. She put on light makeup and as she was about to put on her mascara, she heard the doorbell ring.

She walked out to the door and opened it, coming face to face with her little sister. "Hey Caitey" Marissa said with a smile and hugged her sister immediately, "Marissa… I've miss you" her little sister said gently as they hugged. They came back into the house and Caitlin set her bag down on the floor. "How's Boston?" Caitlin asked with a smile, Marissa shrugged, "it's okay… but I'll admit, it's nice to be home… how's Tokyo?" Marissa asked curiously. "It's great… I'm doing really well there" Caitlin said and sighed when she heard her cell phone start to ring, "sorry… I'll be just one second" Caitlin said as she answered her phone and started speaking, more like yelling in Japanese.

Marissa went back to her room and finished applying her makeup; she grabbed her shoes and sweater and went back into the living room where Caitlin had just gotten off the phone. Marissa sat down next to her one the couch and Caitlin merely placed her head on Marissa's shoulder. "I can't believe he's gone" Caitlin said quietly, Marissa shook her head, "neither can I" she said trying to suppress the lump in her throat. "Remember that time when we were really young and he took us to Catalina for the day on Caleb Nichols boat… and all we did the entire day was swim and fish" Caitlin said with a big smile. Marissa laughed, "Yeah… that was a lot of fun."

Caitlin and Marissa both stood up and straightened out their clothes, knowing the car would be there shortly. Marissa pulled on her flats and sweater, "do I look okay?" she asked as she ran a hand through her hair. "You look great…don't worry, Ryan wont be able to stop looking at you" Caitlin said with a smirk and Marissa just laughed. "It has nothing to do with Ryan, I just wanted to make sure I looked presentable… this dress isn't too short right?" Marissa said and Caitlin glanced for a few seconds. "Not at all, not that it really matters, Ryan always liked to see your legs" Caitlin said, the smirk returning to her face. Marissa just lightly smacked her arm, "I'm going to kill you" Marissa said playfully and Caitlin laughed.

Julie stepped into the room and they both turned to her, Julie looked beautiful in her black dress and curled dark red hair that was pulled back half up-half down. "Mom you look beautiful" Marissa said softly and Julie smiled, "thank you Marissa" Julie said. Caitlin approached her mom and gave her a hug, "it's great to see you Caitey" Julie said. "You too mom" Caitlin and Marissa approached the couple; Julie pulled Marissa into the hug and spoke quietly. "We're going to get through this, you know? We're going to be alright girls." The three girls all felt their tears start early and regained composure as they heard the car outside beep the horn.

They covered their red eyes with their sunglasses and as they got into the limo, they saw the Cohen's, Ryan, and Summer getting into the Range Rover to go as a family. They limo moved as soon as the door was closed and started them on their journey to the church.

Cohen House

As Ryan and Kirsten talked quietly as they stepped out to the car, "so is Kiley coming?" Kirsten asked. Ryan nodded his head, "yeah… she's going to meet us at the Coopers later" Ryan said simply and they both turned their heads as they saw the limo pull up in front of the Cooper house. Sandy, Seth and Summer all came out of the house to get into the car and saw the limo waiting patiently. The family started to get into the car as the three girls stepped out of the house and went to the limo at the top of their driveway.

Ryan watched and saw her, it had been a while… too long actually. She looked the same to him, still beautiful, and the way she carried herself seemed to be different, as if it was hard to walk without feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. But under the circumstances, Ryan could understand. He watched as she got into the car last, and he knew that seeing the girl next door would be a lot more difficult than he planned.

The Coopers entered the Church as what seemed like last, the limo had taken a while to find a good spot to let them out considering all the cars. As they walked down the aisle, they felt the eyes of everyone in the church staring at them. The three walked down the aisle side by side, supporting each other and going into their seats quietly, Marissa noticing that the Cohen's had specifically chosen to go right behind them, with Marissa sitting in front of Ryan. Marissa grabbed Julie's hand and Caitlin's hand in support and listened intently as the mass began.

They listened to speeches for their father and to the slow and steady sounds of crying and sniffling. But while Marissa thought she was doing quite well holding herself together, she felt that all start to untangle as Sandy started to do the Eulogy. His words were compassionate and meaningful and Marissa couldn't help but let her tears flow. "He was a great man; he put his family above everything else. Especially his two beautiful daughters Caitlin and Marissa" and as Sandy said the words quietly, Marissa released all the pain she had been holding and sobbed in her shaking hands. She felt her mother and sister wrap their arms around her and comfort her.

Marissa felt her composure started to come back to her as it was time to go up and say her last goodbye before they would proceed to the gravesite. They went up individually, first Caitlin, placing a white flowing on the casket and whisper words of love. Julie went up next, placing a card on top of the casket as well as lightly kissing two fingers and placing them on the casket. Marissa slowly walked up to the casket, feeling all the eyes on her, especially Ryan's. She felt her hands begin to shake as she grabbed a picture from her pocket, a picture of Marissa and her dad when on her first day on Kindergarten, she knew to make two copies, one for her and one for her dad but even knowing that there were memories she had of her father, she felt she still couldn't say goodbye. She felt a tear voyage down her cheek and she wiped it off softly, "I love you dad" she said finally and placed the photograph on top of his casket, hoping to keep her composure until she sat back down.

She turned and saw the whole church watching her as she went back to her and for one second, connected her eyes with Ryan but finding it too hard to keep it going. She sat down and felt her heart continue to ache as they finished the mass. Marissa watched as various men, some of Jimmy's friends from Hawaii, and Sandy, Seth, and Ryan carry her fathers casket out to the car. Marissa, Julie, and Caitlin followed behind them to the car as they placed the casket inside.

Everyone proceeded into their cars to the gravesite, a beautiful graveyard down the road which overlooked the ocean. There were hundreds, maybe even over a thousand flowers surrounding the casket as it was placed above the six foot hole. Marissa lightly cried as she watched the service, listening to the religious words being spoken about how he was in a better place. She felt a hand holding hers and she looked down to see Summer grasping her hand tightly, offering comfort, she felt herself cry harder and Summer pulled her into a hug.

"It's okay baby…I'm so sorry" she said quietly in her ear. Marissa pulled away slightly so there hands were still wrapped around each other, "but Summer… they keep on saying that he's in a better place, but isn't a better place here with his family?" Marissa asked helplessly and Summer felt that there was no answer for that.

As the service ended and everyone went to their, Marissa, Caitlin, and Julie stayed still. The Cohen's, Seth, Ryan, and Summer stood behind them, waiting patiently. Caitlin and Julie, feeling it too hard to have to watch them lower his casket into the ground, left and went back to the car along with Kirsten and Sandy. Marissa moved closer to the casket and asked if they could wait one more minute, she put her hand on top of the casket. She turned around to face the last three with her, "this is my dad" she whispered through tears. "And once again… he's leaving but now…he can't come back" she said as her tears cascaded more quickly.

Marissa just shook her head and walked away, ignoring Summer's calls for her to come back and talk to her. Marissa got into the car with Julie and Caitlin and sat silently as they got driven back to the Cooper House. They entered inside and the caterers were all set up along the house. People were eating and drinking, gossiping and talking, just like in Newport way.

Marissa fled to her bedroom, not wanting to be around anyone. Not even a few minutes passed when she heard a knock on the door and saw a head of dark brown curls peek their way into the door. "Hey" she whispered, oddly surprised that he was at her door, "hey…can I come in?" he asked and she nodded. Seth closed the door behind him and came into the room, sitting down next to her on the bed. "My parents were looking for you, and I followed a hunch and came here…" Seth said with a small smile.

"I don't want to go out there Seth… I can't talk to those people" Marissa said sadly. Seth nodded understandably, "I know I have no clue how hard it is to lose a parent… but I do know that staying in here won't change anything, and maybe seeing some friendly faces may help" Seth said quietly. Marissa looked over to him and he smiled kindly, Marissa stood up and Seth stood up next to her, "thanks" she said softly and he just nodded. They came out of the room together and went into the large living room where many people were talking and eating.

Kirsten and Sandy came up to Marissa slowly, "hey kiddo" Sandy said and pulled her into a warm hug. "Hey Mr. Cohen" Marissa said and as soon as she pulled out of one hug, she was pulled into another set of comfortable and loving arms, "hey sweetie" she heard Kirsten say softly to her. "How are you doing kiddo?" Sandy asked as Kirsten and Marissa separated, "to be honest…pretty badly." Kirsten smiled and placed her hand on Marissa's forearm, "I know it's tough… I went through it when my dad died… but you get through it and realize that they loved you and you loved them, and that's the best thing you ever could have done for them" she says with smile. Marissa just nodded her head, feeling slighter better for the first time that day.

Marissa continued to move around the people, saying hellos and receiving hugs. She went out to her back porch and sat down; she reached into her sweater pocket and pulled out her Marlboros. She lit up one and inhaled deeply, feeling the tension release from her lungs, she couldn't remember the last time she'd had a cigarette but just for the moment, it helped.

She heard someone come outside and expecting it to be another guest, she didn't turn in their direction. "Hey" she heard from a very familiar voice, almost afraid that it was his voice, she hesitated in turning to him. She slowly moved her head and felt the air from her lungs escape; there he was with a small smile on his face, looking as good as ever. "Hi" she said quietly and he moved over to her, engulfing her in a warm hug, a lot less awkward then she thought it'd be. He sat down in the seat next to her and he looked at her, really looked at her, "long time no see" he stated almost sadly. Marissa nodded her head towards him, "yeah it has been awhile" she stated quietly. "This is a stupid question but how are you?" he asked. She shrugged, "not so good…" she said and took another puff of the cigarette. She watched as the smoke she exhaled ran past him and he inhaled it deeply, obviously basking in the smell.

"Can I bum a cigarette?" he asked with a smirk and she felt a small but genuine smile come on her face, "yeah" she handed him a cigarette and the lighter as he lit himself one. "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a cigarette?" he asked and she turned to him, "about as long as I've been without one?" Ryan allowed his eyes to examine her closely; she looked great, still sexy as ever, time seemed to only do more for her.

"You know… I'm sorry about everything" he said quietly and she knew that he was referring to more than just the death of her dad. "Me too" she responded. He seemed relieved as she said it, "I've missed you" he said almost vulnerably and she felt her heart beat quicken, "I've missed you too" she said as they continued to stare into each others eyes, letting the customary feeling of losing themselves in each other come over them after so long. Their trance was broken as the patio door opened and a voice was heard, "Ryan? Are you out here?" They heard and Ryan quickly put out his cigarette in the ashtray right before Marissa. A beautiful young girl came out of the door wearing a black scoop neck dress and heels; she strode confidently up to the pair. She had long chestnut hair that cascaded down her back in perfect curls; her makeup was flawless on her high cheekbones and accented her hazel eyes.

"Hey Ry" Marissa heard her say and Marissa felt uncomfortable just being in the presence of the two of them. She held Ryan's hand so freely and Marissa couldn't help but watch as Ryan entwined their fingers together. "Oh Kiley, this is my good friend Marissa…Marissa this is Kiley" Ryan said, the awkwardness laced throughout his voice, "my girlfriend." Kiley placed her hand out to shake hands and Marissa felt like it was lifting a hundred pound weight. Marissa shook her hand politely, "It's nice to meet you" Marissa said nicely, "you too Marissa…I'm sorry about your dad" Kiley said kindly. Marissa and Kiley released each others hands, "me too" Marissa said solemnly.

"Well people are starting to leave…so I thought I'd get going, I have an early class tomorrow and I need to finish my paper" Kiley said to Ryan and he just nodded, "okay…do you want me to come?" he asked and she smiled as she shook her head, "no its okay…stay here…I'll call you tomorrow" she said as she leaned in and kissed him softly. Marissa, only watching out of the corner of her eyes, still felt her eyes start to burn. Kiley left the patio quietly and Ryan turned back to her, "I'm sorry if-" but Marissa cut him off because he could finish, "its fine…" she trailed off as she looked down at her shoes.

Marissa picked up her cigarettes from the table and moved back towards the door and was stopped when she heard Ryan's voice, "Riss…" he said quietly and she turned back to him. "I have the day off from work tomorrow…would you maybe want to go get lunch with me?" he asked. Marissa let her hand reach around her neck to feel the necklace that was hanging there, the familiar necklace that he had given her as a goodbye gift when she left for Boston. "Yeah… call me" she said with a small smile and returned back into the house.

Marissa found Summer and pulled her into her bedroom. "Coop, what are you doing? What's the rush?" Summer asked as Marissa closed the door behind them. "Ryan asked me to go have lunch with him tomorrow" Marissa said as her eyes opened surprisingly, Summer felt her jaw drop. "Are you serious?" Summer asked and Marissa nodded her head, "I can't do it again Summer" Marissa said seriously as she sat on her bed. "Do what sweetie?" Summer asked as she sat next to her on the bed. "I can't let those feelings come back…not after all this time. I did everything to make sure those feelings I had for him go away…and yeah, I knew that I didn't get rid of those feelings permanently…" she said as she held onto her necklace. "But I just needed to have one day where I didn't think about him and miss him every single second" she said almost inaudibly.

Summer held Marissa's hand in hers as she lightly cried, "I'm sorry Summer… I'm just a mess today and seeing Ryan has been hard…and I just feel like I'm in this emotional hole that I can't get out of" she said quietly. Summer hugged her and rubbed her back soothingly, "its okay Coop… don't mention it. As for Ryan, that's nothing to worry about, he's Ryan, the same Ryan you've missed the past two years. He's nothing to be scared of" Summer said with a grin. Marissa nodded with a small smile. "You're going to be okay Coop…and anything that may go wrong, I'll be there to help you" Summer said softly and Marissa nodded. Marissa leaned in and hugged Summer once again, "thank you Summer" Marissa said with a small smile. Summer smiled, "no problem sweetie…but come on, lets go back out there" Summer said as she stood up and Marissa joined her.

They walked back out in the living room seeing the only remaining people, Julie, Caitlin, the Cohens, and Ryan. They all sat around on the couches and chairs, sitting silently and looking at the room around them. But as Marissa looked at an old picture of Jimmy and her at a charity event, she only could feel the love she had for him. "I remember when he used to watch _The Sound of Music_ with me…every single night… and he never complained, he just watched with me…" Marissa said with a small smile and everyone seemed mesmerized by her and her joyful memory of Jimmy.

"I remember how happy he used to be around Christmas… like there was no better time in the world" Caitlin said quietly and Marissa turned and smiled at her, remembering that herself. They all smiled peacefully, remembering the fond memories of Jimmy and allowing them replace the sadness, even for just a moment. "I remember how he used to watch ESPN classics all the time… he loved watching those games" Julie said with a laugh and they all joined in.

"I remember that he always had the best judge of character. I'd introduce him to someone, whether it'd be a friend or a potential boyfriend" Marissa said and felt the eyes of Ryan come onto her. "He'd tell me what he thought of them, and if it was bad, he was right about them. But when he told me he liked them… those people never let me down" Marissa said as she looked up into Ryan's eyes that still remained on her. "And I came to love all the people he said that he liked" Marissa said with a smile and Ryan felt a small smile come onto his lips. "He was just…" Marissa trailed off; not knowing which word could suit him. "Amazing" she heard Ryan say and watched as they all turned to Ryan as he smiled softly at Marissa.

Maybe she didn't know why those memories felt good to think about. Maybe she didn't know why for once in the past two years, she finally felt at home in Newport, but she did know that as her mom said, they'd be alright.


	3. Denial Isn't Just A River In Egypt

Marissa glanced down at the shaking hands in her lap, not believing for a second that they were hers

Marissa glanced down at the shaking hands in her lap, not believing for a second that they were hers. They could barely stay still for a second with all the apprehension in her system and she could only glance out in front of her at the pier and ocean for some support. It was a rather gloomy day, the sky a gray color, something that she was accustomed to from living in Boston but the realization of it happening in Newport was shocking. She glanced down at her hands once again, staring at the ring on her finger, the familiar claddagh ring that she had been three years before.

She smiled sadly as she remembered the memory.

_It was Christmas time. The Cohen's, Coopers, and Summer had decided to spend Christmas in a beautiful cabin in the Aspen mountains of Colorado. They had their own tree in the house and all their presents adorning its base. Ryan and Marissa decided to take the West Wing of the house, considering it was large enough to do so. They spent Christmas Eve making love all night long, losing themselves in each other and embracing the spirit of Christmas. _

_It was their junior year of college, and it was Christmas time… so in their eyes it was seen as something to celebrate. They skied and snowboarded, or in Ryan's case, fell clumsily down the mountain on ski's as he tried to keep up with Marissa. Of course his lack of adroitness on the mountains and the sports that it was comprised of was seen as the humor of one day but Ryan quickly regained his power when he found the perfect Christmas tree for the cabin. _

_On Christmas morning, they all awoke to the eerie silence of the mountains and snow and did not rush to open gifts together. Marissa nuzzled her head in Ryan's neck sleepily as the first signs of morning came across her eyes through the curtains. Ryan, being already fully awake, pulled her in closer to his body and sighed happily as his felt the flutter of his eyelashes on his neck. "Merry Christmas" he whispered softly in her ear as he kissed the top of her head. _

_Marissa slowly pulled her head out of his neck and retreated to her side of the bed, eliciting a smirk from Ryan as she tried to get under the blankets once again and get warm. She glanced up at from under the covers and he leaned down and kissed her forehead before getting under the blankets as well and pulling her body back to his. "Merry Christmas" she said softly and he ran his fingers through her long hair, reminding her that she needed to get a haircut. _

"_Christmakkuh" she felt herself say a few seconds later, pulling a small chuckle out of Ryan. "Ah that's right…I forgot" he said quietly. They stayed still for a few minutes before he started to get out of the bed and she pulled him back in, "no… don't get up, I'll get cold" she said, the tone of whining clearly displayed in her voice. Ryan laughed softly and continued to get up, "I need to brush my teeth and grab something" he explained and she just nodded before grabbing her robe. She wrapped her robe around her and stood up, thinking it was a good time to brush her teeth and go to the bathroom before he came back. _

_She got back into bed and waited patiently for him to come back into the room. She watched as he shuffled in, his pajama pants brushing against the hardwood floors as he walked across the bedroom floor. He got back into bed next to her and pulled out a little bag, she looked at the bag excitedly and suddenly remembered, it was a gift and a tradition that they had. They would give each other one gift before they opened gifts as a family and then save one gift for each other for after they opened their gifts. _

_She leaned over the side of the bed, peering underneath and grabbed the heavy gift for him that she had secretly placed there. She handed him his first and he kissed her softly, "tell me if you hate it okay?" she said. He slowly tore the wrapping paper and smiled instantly when he saw the gift, it was an original edition of "The Great Gatsby" something that he had always wanted but could never find in any store. "Do you like it?" she asked hopefully._

_Ryan smiled and kissed her softly, "I love it… how'd you know?" he asked sincerely. Marissa laughed softly, "You only asked every single bookstore we went to if they had it, so I just went online and found one… I knew you loved the book, you'd said so in high school" she answered simply. Ryan went through some of the pages and smiled, he peered up at her and leaned over and kissed her softly, "thank you" he said and she smiled. He placed down his gift and handed her the small holiday decorate bag. _

_Marissa pulled the wrapping out of the bag and pulled the box out of the bag, looking up at Ryan curiously and he smiled, "I know it's too soon for that…this is something else" he answered and she opened the box to find an Irish Claddagh ring with a diamond encrusted in the heart. She smiled and looked up at him, "I've gotten you so many pieces of jewelry… I just thought something like this meant something more" he answered and she slipped it on her finger, letting the heart face outwards. _

_Ryan grabbed her hand and pulled the ring off, turning it around, "the story of the Claddagh ring is that when you wear it, if the heart is facing outward then you're looking for love…but if the heart is facing your heart" Ryan said slowly as he pushed the ring up her finger, "then it means your heart is taken…and with that, I make a promise to you" he said softly and she smiled as she glanced at the ring on her finger. "I'm not going to promise that I'll love your forever… because I already know I will do that even if I try not to…but I will promise that I will not love anyone else more than you, no matter what happens down the road" he said softly as he put his hand around her cheek, pulling her face in closer to his. "I know that we haven't been a perfect couple… and that we may fall apart and be with other people… but this ring won't fall apart" he said and she closed the space between them and kissed him passionately, pulling his body on top of hers. _

_Marissa gasped as she felt him kiss down her neck, "I love you" Marissa said as he pulled her robe off her body, throwing it carelessly off the bed. "I love you too" he said as she bit her lip from moaning as his hands grasped her body. _

Marissa felt the memory overtake her body, allowing all these emotions to hit her even harder than they had been in the past few days. She glanced down at her hands and noticed that the shaking had stopped and knew that the only things that stopped the shaking were the memories of when she was happy, sincerely happy. She looked around at the diner and noticed that she was practically the only customer, the only other were what looked two friends eating lunch together, something that she would be doing any second now.

Eating lunch with a friend, a _friend_… the word didn't sound right in her head when it was meant Ryan. They were friends, that's all they could be because she left and he's happy and she's the old maid who will forever be alone with her cats and she felt herself roll her eyes at the thoughts running through her mind. She looked up at she heard the door to the diner open and Ryan step through.

He was dressed casually but she looked at him and saw herself at sixteen again. She remembered their sophomore year and all the events that happened. She looked at the jeans and clean white t-shirt he wore, but his outfit wasn't complete without his black leather jacket and boots. He looked over to her and smiled softly, slowing making his way over to where she sat. She got up and gave him a hug, "hey you" he said quietly and they sat down. "How are you?" he asked and she shrugged, "bad question huh?" he responded and she weakly smiled.

"It's hard… you know? It's like you go your whole life looking at the people who made you who you are" she started softly, feeling the familiar reaction of her eyes filling with tears, ignoring the clump in her throat. "And you somehow convince yourself that they'll always be there, no matter what… until the day they have to leave for good… and all you're expectations come crashing down on you" she finished softly, a small tear making it's way down her cheek. Ryan stared at her in awe and sympathy, never hearing her express her grief so explicitly before. "I guess all I can think is of all the things that he'll miss…he won't be at my wedding… or even see when I have kids." Marissa wiped her cheeks, feeling almost embarrassed for losing herself so early in the lunch.

"I'm so sorry Ryan… you probably weren't expecting a saga from the simple question of 'how are you', were you?" she said with a weak laugh. He genuinely smiled, and placed his hand on hers, his eyes staring at her so deeply, she felt that it would go through her, "its okay… I'd be worried if you didn't feel this strongly" he said and she nodded her head. "Besides, it wouldn't be a true Ryan and Marissa conversation if you didn't start crying, right?" he said with a laugh and she couldn't help but laugh also.

Marissa took napkin and lightly dabbed underneath her eye, "my makeup is probably a mess" she said and he shook his head, "no it's not… you look great" he said with a sincere smile. She smiled back and felt the same tension build like it did when they were in their teenage years. The sound of thunder broke their trance and they both turned to the windows to see the sky's opening up to allow rain to come crashing through. "Wow, this place is more and more like Boston every day" Marissa muttered, disappointed that it was raining. "How is Boston?" Ryan asked and Marissa lightly smiled, "its okay… it's hard to be so far away… but it's what I needed. There's so much in Boston… there's four seasons, something we don't experience here, and there's snow. I mean the accents are a lot to handle at times but I got used to it" Marissa said and Ryan laughed. "I can tell… you sound like you're from Boston now" and she playfully glared at him.

They continued talking through lunch, going back in time and laughing at how things used to be when they were younger. But not once, Marissa noticed, did Ryan remember to mention his girlfriend, which somehow triggered the thought of how important she really was to him.

As they finished lunch, they realized that the rain was not going to clear up any time soon and that they would need to suffer together walking through the rain. "Where'd you park your car?" Ryan asked. She thought for a second and felt herself groan, feeling stupid at what she forgot, "what's wrong?" he asked. Marissa felt herself roll her eyes at her stupidity, "I don't have a car… I had my mom drop me off because she was going to go to the store and then to some more errands, and I don't think she'll be home for like another hour" she said.

Ryan pulled off his leather jacket, "well when I say run, follow me to my car, I can just drop you off" he said. "Are you sure?" she asked, not wanting to bother him. "Of course I'm sure… you're right next door" he said with a smile and put the leather jacket over both of them, causing Marissa to get extra close to Ryan. "Run!" he said loudly and they both ran towards Ryan's car, hastily jumping in the car, trying to wipe off the excessive amount of rain from their bodies.

They drove quietly back to Marissa's house, Ryan being the gentlemen he was, walker her to her door with the leather jacket over their heads. As soon as the roof covered them, he pulled his jacket down, smiling softly at her. "I had fun today… I missed talking to you" he said and she felt a authentic smile come easily onto her face. "Me too…I don't leave here for another few weeks, so give me a call… so we can do this again" she said and he nodded his head. He leaned in and softly kissed her cheek, and pulled back slowly, looking into her eyes for a brief moment and took in her beautiful face, before putting the jacket back over his head and running back to his car. She waved to him as he backed out of the driveway, and she went inside.

She looked into the living room to see Julie and Caitlin sprawled out on the couches, watching Lifetime. "Hey guys" Marissa said softly as she hung up her wet sweater. "Hey" they said in unison as she came over to the couches and took a seat next to Julie. "How was lunch with your lover-boy?" Caitlin asked with a smirk. "He is not my lover-boy… and it was fine" Marissa answered with a small glare, Julie couldn't help but notice her sudden defensiveness and decided to play along. "Oh really? He seemed quite friendly when he kissed your cheek at the door… it looked like something a little bit more" Julie said teasingly. Marissa scoffed and ran a hand through her hair, "well it's not and won't be ever again" Marissa muttered. "Oh come on... who are you trying to fool? You still love each other" Caitlin said and Marissa found herself standing up suddenly.

"No! No we don't love each other, Ryan has a girlfriend, and I have moved on… it's not going to happen" she said irritably as she started to make her way to her bedroom, feeling this conversation becoming too uncomfortable for her to handle. Julie and Caitlin started laughing and Marissa felt herself roll her eyes as she heard her mother yell out to her, "Marissa… denial isn't just a river in Egypt… it's a freakin' ocean." That quote and the sound of her mother and sister laughing was all Marissa could hear for the next hour. But it didn't matter, because she wasn't in denial, right?


	4. And We'll Run For Our Lives

Ryan sat at his desk, lazily going through all the work that he still had yet to accomplish today. He didn't know why his mind was persistently in another place today, all he could do was stare out the window, looking at the waves as they continuously crashed onto the shore, the same way every time. He turned back to his computer and came to the conclusion that he was not going to get any work done. He picked up his phone and called a familiar number, waiting for a voice to answer.

"Hello?" a preoccupied voice answered, the sounds of loud banging quite apparent in the background.

"Hey… it's me" Ryan said quietly, turning in his chair with a small smile on his face, still hearing the loud banging in the back. "Am I interrupting something? Are you beating Caitlin with a frying pan perhaps? Because knowing you, there would be no other use for that cooking device." Ryan asked with a smirk.

Marissa mockingly laughed, "You're a funny one Ryan…maybe I'll use the frying pan on you next time" Marissa said and Ryan laughed. "I'm trying to put the pans away, and somehow, I keep on banging things together and making the most aggravating noises" she muttered.

"Well it sounds like you're doing a great job" Ryan said, allowing his smirk to sneak through once again. Marissa couldn't help but let a laugh pass through her lips. "Mr. Atwood, aren't you a funny one today" Marissa teased. She could hear the flirtation in her voice and almost felt as if she was doing something wrong, so she knew she had to get straight to the point in their phone call. "So what's up?" she asked as she swirled the bubbly water with her finger tip. "Well I'm actually in the transition of moving into my new apartment, and I need to paint my bedroom… and I was wondering if you would come over and help me? I think Seth and Summer are coming too" he asked hopefully.

"What time?" Marissa asked as she dried off her hands and went to her bedroom. "Like around 7ish…why? Do you have something?" he asked, hearing a beeping sound in the phone. He looked and saw that Kiley was calling on the other line, but chose to ignore the call. "Oh no, I just need to figure out when I can schedule my fry beating with Caitlin" she said with a smirk, and Ryan burst out in laughter. "I'll just see you at seven. Bye Ryan" she said with a smile. "Okay…bye Marissa" he said as he hung up the phone. He looked the phone and saw the missed call from Kiley… and started to realize that he was in big trouble.

Marissa stared at the soft pistachio green paint on her hand, wondering where she could put the paint so it wouldn't stay on her. Ryan was turned; quietly painting the wall with a paint covered t-shirt, and realized that was the best target. She grabbed the back of his t-shirt and rubbed her hand with it, continuing until most of it disappeared. "Can I ask what you're doing to my t-shirt?" he asked as he turned his head to see her putting his t-shirt back into place. "Well you're t-shirt has so many other paint colors on it, so I thought this green with blend in nicely" Marissa said sweetly and he smirked at her as he turned around.

"Oh thanks Marissa… you always do know how to be considerate" he said sarcastically as he rolled more paint onto the white wall, covering the remnants of someone else's life. "I try" Marissa said with a sigh as she glanced around the room, seeing how they had barely made a dent. "Where is Seth and Summer? It's already eight o'clock" Marissa said as she moved to another wall, trying to spread out their progress.

"I don't know… I called Seth a couple times but he didn't answer" Ryan answered vaguely. Things quieted down between them for a few minutes and for some reason, Marissa felt the curiosity of Ryan's relationship coming through her.

"So Ryan… tell me about Kiley… I hardly know her" Marissa requested suddenly and Ryan felt tension seep through his veins. He hadn't expected her to ask him about Kiley, he thought it would remain something hidden between them, almost as if it didn't exist. He didn't know why but he just felt that with Marissa, discussing any relationships was something he would rather stray far away from.

"Well I met her about a year and a half ago at a party, and we started talking and soon enough we were dating. She's kind… beautiful, and just easy to be with" Ryan said softly turning to watch Marissa as she continued to paint, he couldn't see her face but for some reason, he was glad he couldn't. Looking into her eyes at this point, seemed like a painful thought. "I mean it's hard though sometimes… just because… it may be easy, but I don't feel that connection" he said quietly. Marissa turned to him, "what do you mean?" she asked curiously.

"There's a type of connection, or chemistry that you feel when you're with someone and I guess I just don't feel it completely with her. I'm searching for that connection but it seems like the only person I could ever find it with was…you" he said as he searched for her eyes. They continued to stare at each other, until someone coming up the steps broke their moment. "Hey guys… sorry we're late" Summer's voice yelled as they came down the hallway. They both turned back to their walls and continued to paint, allowing their conversations to fade.

Seth and Summer filled up most of the conversation for the next hour or so, but after that, it simmered down and the tension that seemed to exist before had arisen once again.

Marissa didn't know what she felt, but when she realized it, it was anger. How could he do this to her after all this time? How could she ever respond to him after that? She had only managed to spend time with him because she thought that nothing would ever come from it, but now, all her thoughts were crushed. "So Coop, what do you think of the color?" Summer asked, pointing towards the wall.

Marissa glanced toward the cool mint green paint, "I don't know… I mean after having the same color for so long, why would anyone just make an advance on an old color that just needs to be left out of things? Green is tired and hurt… but the white was fresh and nice…so I don't know..." Marissa finished, not noticing the Seth and Summer staring at her oddly. Ryan turned to her from the wall, "well maybe I just wanted to give it a try and see if the green still worked for me. It used to be my favorite color…anyways I didn't try it out because I was hoping the green would want to be on the walls forever… I just wanted to see what it was like."

Both Seth and Summer stared at the two oddly, not having any idea as to what they were talking about. "Well…that's umm…two very unique opinions…how about we go to the pier for some ice cream?" Summer asked, trying to change the subject. Marissa lazily dropped her paint brush on the sheet covering the hard wood floors, "yes please… I'm getting a headache in this room" she said as she left the room quickly, with Summer moving right behind her. Seth turned to Ryan, the confusion dancing all across his features.

"What the hell was that?" Seth asked. Ryan simply shrugged and stared at the color on the walls, wondering if everything she said was true. "Dude?" Seth uttered quietly, breaking Ryan out of his trance, and once again, Ryan merely shrugged and moved towards the door. "A letdown Seth… that's what it was" he quietly said before leaving the room.

Marissa sat on the bench facing the dark beach, her black raspberry ice cream slightly melting in the ice cream cup. She turned to see Seth and Summer still staring at the flavors on the wall, unsure of what they wanted. Ryan held the cup of ice cream in his hands and slowly made his way over to her, tentatively taking the available seat on the bench. Marissa turned to him, surprised when he had mint chocolate chip instead of his usual cookie dough, "no more cookie dough?" she asked quietly and he turned to her.

_I found God on the corner of First and Amistad..  
Where the west was all but won  
All alone, smoking his last cigarette.  
I said, "where've you been?"  
He said, ask anything._

"No… this is my new favorite" he said with a small and forced smile, a smile that Marissa could see right through. The silence of the moment tore right through them, and she could almost feel the tension screaming all around them.

"Why'd you have to do that?" she asked, her eyes blazing with anger as she turned to him. He sighed and turned to her. He simply stared at her for a few moments, looking at all the beauty that never left.

"The other day when I dropped you off and walked you to your door, I lost all of it. I had my life back together Marissa after you left, I was able to rebuild after everything was shattered. It seemed like nothing could ever ruin that… but that day… everything seemed to disappear" he said quietly as his put the ice cream down on the ground, no longer hungry. Marissa stared at him, the confusion still running through her veins.

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me…  
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.  
Why'd you have to wait?  
Where were you? Where were you?  
Just a little late.  
You found me, you found me._

"What do you mean?" she asked. He turned to her and felt the day run through his head…

_Ryan pulled off his leather jacket, "well when I say run, follow me to my car, I can just drop you off" he said. "Are you sure?" she asked, not wanting to bother him. "Of course I'm sure… you're right next door" he said with a smile and put the leather jacket over both of them, causing Marissa to get extra close to Ryan. "Run!" he said loudly and they both ran towards Ryan's car, hastily jumping in the car, trying to wipe off the excessive amount of rain from their bodies._

_They drove quietly back to Marissa's house, Ryan being the gentlemen he was, walker her to her door with the leather jacket over their heads. As soon as the roof covered them, he pulled his jacket down, smiling softly at her. "I had fun today… I missed talking to you" he said and she felt a genuine smile come easily onto her face. "Me too…I don't leave here for another few weeks, so give me a call… so we can do this again" she said and he nodded his head. He leaned in and softly kissed her cheek, and pulled back slowly looking into her eyes for a brief moment, taking in her beautiful face, before putting the jacket back over his head and running back to his car. She waved to him as he backed out of the driveway, and she went inside. _

"When I walked you to the door, there was a moment when I just stared at you and I just felt like I was home…" he said quietly and Marissa felt eyes her eyes start to cloud over. "I felt everything come back… and now here I am…" Ryan said with a small and fake smile. The continued to stare at each other, neither knowing how to react.

_But in the end, everyone ends up alone,  
Losing hope… the only one who's ever known.  
Who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be.  
No way to know how long she will be next to me..._

"Tell me what to do…" Ryan pleaded as he grabbed both her hands in his. She felt the tears start to pour down her pale cheeks, and sobs release from her throat. She shook her hand and tried to stop from crying, but she couldn't. "All I know is that there are two very amazing women in my life… and-" but before Ryan could finish, Marissa broke through her quivering lips.

"Please don't… don't ask me…" she said and tried to wipe her eyes. She felt Ryan pull her in close and she dug her head into the crook of his neck. She continued to cry for a few minutes, knowing that sometime, she needed to give him an answer. However, some part of her knew that she could never give the right answer. She pulled back from his neck and stared at him, seeing the young boy from when she was just sixteen years old. "This is something I can't decide for you…" she said before tucking her hair behind her ear. "Believe it or not Ryan, I came back here thinking that I could look at you… and not be upset that I didn't have you anymore."

Marissa shook her head, and a small and cynical laugh escaped through her lips. "You know, my entire life… people have been telling me that I was lost. That I was constantly living my life in a maze that I would never find my way out of… and for once, I thought I had found the way out…and then this" she uttered, turning to see Seth and Summer coming towards them. "Maybe everyone was right…" a statement that Ryan never expected to hear. Maybe when she was a teenager, she was lost, but he thought it had all changed.

The pain invoking her ever-lasting tears seemed to amount her rationality, and she stood up, and for no reason, she ran. She heard her name being called out after her, but she kept going, ignoring every voice and just ran.

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me…  
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.  
Why'd you have to wait?  
Where were you? Where were you?  
Just a little late.  
You found me, you found me._


End file.
